I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize