he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
