At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
