Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
