I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
