I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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