you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
