I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize