we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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