I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
