I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
