my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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