Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
