I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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