She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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