After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
