My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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