how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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