Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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