Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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