I puked a lego.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
