I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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