please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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