If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
