Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
