I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
