After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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