I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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