whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
