Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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