I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
