I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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