I wish I could teleport
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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