Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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