I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
