I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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