Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
