What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
