I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
