it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
