please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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