After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
