I will die if light touches me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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