Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
