You smell like stripper and shame
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
