Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have fence marks all over my body
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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