Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
