I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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