I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
