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U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
