my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
