Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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