People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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