Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
