someone threw a dead crab at me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
